


A Story Like Jack's

by goingtothetardis



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Adventures in-between, Crack, Crossover, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Smut, IKEA, Naked adventures, Pixies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 04:48:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6180775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goingtothetardis/pseuds/goingtothetardis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor sets the TARDIS to random, and they find an unexpected adventure at an unlikely furniture store.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Story Like Jack's

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Caedmon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caedmon/gifts).



> Several weeks ago there was a list floating around called [Smutty Fic Locations](http://goingtothetardis.tumblr.com/post/139147744457/smutty-fic-locations), and Caedmon was begging someone to write the IKEA location. Knowing her birthday was coming soon, I let the idea brew in my mind. 
> 
> Unfortunately, I'm a day late with the birthday offering, but better late than never, eh? So Caedmon, here's your birthday fic!! I hope it's everything you wanted!! :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
> 
> I'm also going to use this for this week's TimePetals ficlet prompt: "In Between/What happens in between adventures/episodes?" I figure it'll work in a variety of ways. ;)
> 
> And a HUGE thanks to aimtoallonsy for the beta and planet name.
> 
> *This is a wee bit of a Harry Potter crossover, but it's still fully in the canon verse.

“Good Morning, Rose! Where would you like to go today?” The Doctor strode purposefully around the console to greet Rose with a kiss on the lips as she entered the room with a cup of tea clutched tightly in her hands. 

She yawned as she sat down on the jumpseat. “Doctor, I haven’t even had my tea yet. ‘Sides, you’re the travel guide to the universe. You’re supposed to tell _me_ where we’re going.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at Rose’s early morning personality before an idea came to him. “Let’s set the TARDIS to random, and she’ll pick out a good adventure for us!”

“So in other words, pack an overnight bag to put in your ‘bigger on the inside’ pockets for when we get put in prison, get lost, or get involved in some underground revolution?”

“Oi!” The Doctor griped. “We don’t _always_ get locked up.”

Rose smirked into her tea but didn’t respond.

“ _Anyway_ , I’ll set the TARDIS to random, and by the time you’ve finished your tea, it’ll be time to discover a brand new world!” He flipped a switch and threw another one down with a spin on his feet.

Rose held her tea away from her body to prevent the hot liquid from splashing out as the TARDIS set course and landed in her signature style with a sharp jolt, throwing them off balance before settling. 

The Doctor picked himself off the grating with a groan before pulling the monitor over to see where they’d landed. “I should probably check where we are before we run outside. Need to make sure you can breathe the air.” He sniffed. 

“Right, like the TARDIS would land somewhere I couldn’t breathe. I doubt it. You, however…”

“Oi! Do you want to go out or not? The cheek today, Rose Tyler, the cheek,” the Doctor grumbled. 

Rose finished her tea and left the mug on the seat beside her before walking over to the Doctor to wrap her arms around him from behind. “‘Course I do, Doctor. I’m just teasing, you know that.”

“Hmm,” he mumbled. “Ah, well, it seems the brand new world the TARDIS has landed us on is Earth. Year 2018 in Minneapolis, Minnesota, at an IKEA.”

“IKEA? You mean, the Swedish furniture store?” Rose questioned. 

“Yes, exactly. It seems the store has been been reporting suspicious activity for some time, now. Vandalism but no theft, always at night. And nothing is ever recorded on security cameras. Sounds like just the thing for us.”

Rose looked dubiously at the monitor before shrugging her shoulders. After more than two years of travel with the Doctor, she’d long since learned that something mundane and domestic as a furniture store has the potential to be a wild adventure. “Alright, then. Let’s go.”

The Doctor grinned broadly and grabbed her hand. “Allons-y!”

+++ 

_Two hours and thirty seven minutes later._

Rose giggled and looked up at the Doctor above her. His hair was deliciously disheveled, his shirt was partially unbuttoned and tie askew, and a red mark on his pulse point gave away their _activities_ of the last several minutes. She wrapped her legs around his narrow hips and dug her feet into his buttocks to pull him closer as he thrust inside her. 

“What’s so funny, Rose?” A smirk played around the edges of the Doctor’s lips as he made Rose gasp. 

“This,” she waved around to indicate their surroundings. “This whole situation is-- Oh, god, yes, Doctor, _YES_!” Her head fell back into the pillows underneath her as the Doctor brought her over the edge with his thumb and a well-timed thrust of his hips, and he quickly followed. 

The Doctor panted a few moments before continuing. “What was that you were saying, hmm, Rose? I believe you were distracted by a rather magnificent orgasm, if I do say so myself.”

Rose lay underneath him, boneless and sated, but she found enough strength to lightly smack the Doctor on the arm. “Git. But yes, it was.”

The Doctor preened as he rolled off her.

“I was going to say, this whole situation is mad. Doctor, we made a pillow fort with blankets between two beds inside an _IKEA_! You’re only wearing your shirt, and I’m completely starkers. I thought we were here to investigate something suspicious.”

The Doctor gasped exaggeratedly. “Rose Tyler, I am ashamed. I thought ‘shagging our way through the universe’ was your favorite pastime.”

Rose grabbed the Doctor’s tie and gently pulled him close to place a chaste kiss on his lips. “It is, Doctor. But we’re kind of out in the open, and I’m sure they have guards and employees wandering around.”

“I never say no to a challenge,” the Doctor intoned with a wink. 

“No, you don’t,” Rose started, but before she could continue, a high pitched giggle interrupted her and the blankets above collapsed on top of them. 

It was chaos for a few moments as the Doctor and Rose frantically pulled at the blankets to free themselves from the tangle of cloth. They wrapped the blankets around themselves and poked their heads over the edge of the bed to investigate. In the dim light of the store, they saw nothing until a volley of squeaky voices rang out behind them. The Doctor and Rose shared a nervous look before turning around. 

A gaggle of small, blue, fairy-like creatures flitted about merrily in the air. Several carried an item of clothing in their hands. Clothing that looked suspiciously liked the Doctor’s pinstriped suit, two pairs of Chucks, a pair of jeans, a hoodie, and miscellaneous undergarments. 

The Doctor and Rose looked at each other, jaws hanging open in shock. “Doctor. Doctor, what are those? They look like…” Rose trailed off.

“Pixies. Cornish pixies,” the Doctor stated with a resigned air.

“Pixies? As in the creatures Professor Lockhart brought to Harry’s Defense Against the Dark Arts class?” Rose said in astonishment. 

“The very same. Although, what they’re doing on this continent, let alone in an IKEA store, is a great mystery. More importantly, however, I think we’ve discovered the source of vandalism and general mischievery.”

Rose gaped at the Doctor a moment, ignoring the multitude of questions bouncing around in her mind, before focusing on an additional problem. “And we’ve lost our clothes in the process. Doctor, your trousers. The sonic. It’s in your pocket, right? I’m fairly certain you aren’t hiding it anywhere else.” She raised her eyebrows suggestively.

“Nope, Jack’s the one with that talent, hiding things in places I don’t want to know about. But you’re right. My sonic is in my trouser pocket, and as I don’t have magic, it’s the only thing that will incapacitate the pixies.”

“Wait, you said ‘as I don’t have magic.’ Do you mean…” 

“Rose, we can have a good chat about this later. I promise.” He stared into her eyes for a moment before breaking into a wide grin. “But right now, it’s time for a pixie hunt! Oh, and Rose, you can have my shirt. Don’t want anyone getting a sneak peak of Rose Tyler.”

Rose rolled her eyes. “How gallant of you, Doctor.”

As the Doctor and Rose shedded their blankets and cleaned up as best as they could, Rose took the Doctor’s shirt and buttoned up enough to cover the important bits while the pixies zipped around the store playing toss and catch with their clothes. Rose eyed the Doctor’s naked bum appreciatively as he tossed the blankets and pillows on the bed, hoping to find his pants or Rose’s knickers. Coming up empty handed, he pulled a sheet from the bed and tied it around his body like a toga. 

“Feels like we’re in Rome again, Doctor,” Rose said with a wink.

+++

Fifteen minutes later, the Doctor and Rose stopped for a moment and tried to catch their breaths. Well, Rose did, and she huffed a little at the Doctor’s “superior biology” allowing him to sprint through the store without breaking a sweat. 

During the store’s open hours, they’d gotten a good feel for the layout of the store, and they were now attempting to strategically corner the pixies. It was a futile game they played as the pixies darted to and fro, just out of reach, cackling merrily all the while. Several minutes ago Rose had seen one pair of shoes get flung over one the many pipes crisscrossing above them inside the warehouse, and occasionally a display would crash to the ground.

“Oi! You! Come back here!” 

Rose heard the Doctor shout in exasperation, and she glanced over at him before erupting in laughter. A pixie danced above them with the Doctor’s sheet, and the Doctor stood completely naked in the aisle. 

Still out of breath and in hysterics, Rose managed to wheeze, “I’m sorry, Doctor. We must look like complete nutters running around in the CCTV, and now you’re starkers.”

“Thanks, Rose, I didn’t notice,” the Doctor replied dryly. 

A set of fake vampire teeth suddenly hit the Doctor on the side of head, and he cried out. “Ow!”

Rose looked up to see a group of pixies huddled around the one carrying the Doctor’s trousers. One pulled a little white bag out of the trouser pocket and began flinging its contents in their direction. One hit Rose in the forehead, and when she discovered it was a rock-solid jelly baby, she erupted into a new round of giggles. 

The Doctor glared in her direction as he tried to ward off the flying jelly babies. Suddenly, a volley of tiny balls scattered around them, and the Doctor shouted, “Not my edible ball bearings!” 

Rose grabbed the Doctor’s hand and pulled him down an aisle until they reached a collection of kitchen tables. She shoved a few chairs out of the way and pulled the Doctor under with her. 

“Doctor, I had an idea. They keep pulling stuff out of your pockets, yeah? Let’s play dumb so that maybe at some point they’ll throw the sonic at us. And why haven’t we seen any staff or security guards? They have CCTV here, right?”

“Both are brilliant points, Rose,” the Doctor beamed at her. “In case you catch the sonic and I’m, er, incapacitated, the setting is 179.34P.”

“179.34P, got it. And Doctor? You’ve got ball bearings in your hair.” She ruffled his hair, dislodging several ball bearings, and her eyes danced with mirth. “Now we have a story to rival one of Jack’s naked getaways.”

“Rooooose,” the Doctor whined as they crawled out from the table. 

As soon as they stood up, a deluge of objects rained down upon them. A deck of cards scattered in every direction, and hair gel squirted out of a tube and landed with a well-aimed splat in Rose’s hair. One mischievous pixie shot the collection of Rose’s hair bands one at a time at their heads. Pages from the Doctor’s book on temporal mechanics fluttered down, and another pixie zoomed around, gleefully flinging a yo-yo into store products. 

The Doctor and Rose clasped hands and ran. They stopped near the lighting department, and Rose grabbed the Doctor’s arm as she saw the pixie holding the Doctor’s trousers slowly remove the sonic screwdriver from the pocket. It seemed to know the object was of some significance; it _was_ rather like a wand.

The Doctor let go of Rose and padded casually in the direction of the pixie on the pretense of examining a light fixture. The pixie continued to play with the sonic, and it pushed the button, causing the trademark blue glow and whirring noise. Rose hoped the sonic was on the inactive setting, which the Doctor had once explained was the default setting on his sonic in case it got into the wrong hands. The pixie began flying around to the other creatures and jabbed it against their sides to no effect. 

A minute passed before the pixie got bored and tossed the sonic in the air toward the Doctor. Rose held her breath as the Doctor, in all his naked glory, sprang forward and managed to catch the tip of the sonic between his fingers. In an instant, he adjusted the sonic and a shrill frequency emanated from the device. 

Every single pixie froze, suspended in space.

“YES!” Rose cried and pumped her fist in the air. She ran to the Doctor and threw her arms around him before turning to inspect the creatures. “So, what now, Doctor? After getting our clothes back, that is.”

“Welllllllll… We need to find some kind of case or crate to put them in, and I’ll have to keep them frozen until I find a proper cage for them on the TARDIS. It’s likely we’ll find the staff locked up around here. We shouldn’t be the only ones here, especially with the disturbance reports.”

The Doctor and Rose reclaimed their clothing and discovered it was the Doctor’s shoes flung over the pipes. Rose was beside herself with glee as the Doctor glowered about the nuisance of the Cornish pixies and Converse thieving pests. A quick search revealed many staff members tied up and stuffed into the security office, and the Doctor and Rose both blushed as they realized the pixies hadn’t disabled the CCTVs, which had provided the staff with quite the show during the ordeal. 

The Doctor wiped the footage of the night from the video recording and shook hands with the head of security on the compromise that he would take care of the source of the vandalism as long as he and Rose could leave without being apprehended.

During this exchange, Rose found a tent that looked like a castle in the children’s department and walked around the store, stuffing it with pixies. The Doctor joined her after a while, and together they extracted thirty-two pixies. 

They walked back to the TARDIS with the tent of pixies in tow, and Rose fought desperately against the laughter threatening to break through. Finally, as they reached the TARDIS, she couldn’t hold back anymore, and she and the Doctor laughed together until tears ran down their faces, and their laughter echoed through the parking garage where the TARDIS was parked. 

+++

Thirty minutes later, the Doctor and Rose sat across from each other at the kitchen table, a plate of biscuits and two cups of tea sitting between them. They’d ended up there after they’d dropped the pixies off on Torsniagath Claid, a planet well suited for creatures like pixies, leaving them in the tent and unfreezing them with the sonic from the safety of the TARDIS to ensure none of the pesky creatures invaded the TARDIS. The Doctor and Rose had watched from the monitor as the pixies gleefully escaped their prison to explore their new world. 

“So, Doctor. Cornish pixies? Please explain to me how magical creatures are real.” 

As the Doctor took a deep breath to begin what was likely going to be a fantastic and daft story, Rose remembered her thought from earlier in the day. No matter what they did or where they went, every day with the Doctor was a mad adventure, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.


End file.
